I'd like to wish a...

I'd like to wish a Happy birthday, or other festive greeting, to the following:

To everyone that wished me a Happy birthday today, that they realize that it's them who are having a birthday. 

It's funny, because the way that i put it, i would wish everyone that was celebrating the day with me a happy birthday, because if you're sharing the day with me, then obviously, it MUST be your birthday because I am not a selfish person - it is not just "My" day. It would be a day for everyone because apparently, to me, the day belongs to all of us.

But all that is beside the point. Today was so different. I had amazing conversations with All of my closest friends. Well, most of them at least. We talked about so many things in the "Bus."

(why it is so endearing to call a slightly rundown Safari the 'Big White Bus,' I'll never know)

I got to talk to my Bests, that i hadn't talked to in depth with in a very long time. I got to remember why i had such close friends and i rediscovered why they meant so much to me.

Whether we talked about Christianity, love, Tucker Max (anal sex hehe), quesadillas, boomerang physics, what happened last night, or whatever, I'll appreciate fully. I especially loved the quesadilla. And the Christianity conversation. Damn, that was really fulfilling, because i felt so informed and i got to answer a lot of questions. ;D

But anyways, on the way home while dropping off people, I was reminded of some really painful things in my life. I was reminded of Michelle and what i felt like last year, of what happened when we were in each other's lives, and what i felt like now. But what really got to me was when i was asked to talk about the present and my current flame. 

And really, it is SO painful because sometimes you just feel like there is a person so special that they can make you feel the way that you do. They make you realize things that you would've never thought on your own, or they enlighten you, or they make you even feel physically warm inside. 

And other times they make you feel unworthy or upset or troubled, and truly it's the cynic in all of us. That pessimistic feeling that grips you in the middle of the night and wakes you from your comfortable slumber because you fool youself into thinking that you might be good enough or you might be perfect together. But in reality, you only really believe what the other person thinks of you; You don't really ponder on the opinions of others - only for the approval of that person you're striving so hard to be with. And yet, you are truly too afraid to find what might lie in their minds, what thoughts precede their actions and whether they think before they speak. 

And yet you endeavor. You Struggle. You Persevere. Because they are that important to you.

And yet, you are still very timid. Because, as i've said once, i've said a thousand times. You are still too afraid of what lies ahead, because you are still stuck in the Past. And perhaps even, that they too might be stuck in their own version of the Past that still haunts them and causes them to be afraid of the future. 

Or maybe this is all just me talking to myself, because i'm even too afraid to admit that I might be afraid too. That maybe i'm just projecting myself into this writing because i can't fully admit it to you, my reader(s?). This had taken such a toll on me last night, and most of today, that it took me about a day and a half to finish writing. I started last night, into the early morning, and continued into the day and now I'm finally almost satisfied with it.

So once again, to all of those who wished me a Happy Birthday, i'd like to wish, every single one of you, a... 

Thank you. Thank you all so very much.

Thank you, PCS. Thank you, Metro! Thank you, Angelo. Thank you, January. Thank you, Jo squared. Thank you, -Di/Pumpkin/John/Favorite/What-have-you.

I guess i really am growing up, friends. This is a birthday that i won't (can't?) soon forget. It holds too many memories, past and present, too many pains and sorrows, too many good times, too many nostalgic times, too much of everything to contain within myself.

I'm never going to be the same again i suppose. 

And, if you still want to talk, I've got one more surprise, and i think this one is going to be the one that'll mean the most. To me, at least.

May you all be able to share many many, more blessed birthdays with me. Because i wasn't looking forward to that day much at all. I had forgotten about it. But now i hold a newfound respect for the day, for my friends, and even for my family. 

Huh. Thirty minutes? In the hallway...Really?

Sincerely persevering,

Matt.A