Huh. I wonder...

Why is it that i've been having so much trouble writing anything in here? Is it because i just haven't been worrying too much about writing my thoughts in here? Is it because i've found people to confide in while somewhat realizing that this blog was once the journal that kept my sanity afloat? I have no clue. I've started, then stopped; Started again, then stopped again. Is that how my life has been as well? I'll start something great, then be stopped by some twist of fate, then start something else wonderful, only to be hindered by some other unfortunate incident. Maybe i spin my own calamities into existence by worrying about the next string of depressing events. I'm not particularly sure, but i can see that surely being a substantial problem.

Enough about my melodramatic tirade about my own personal despairs; Let's get on with why i'm still writing in this text box: Because i'm desperate to get my thoughts out before i realize that my life is too sick to get better. I feel like i've still got enough to talk about before i actually end up kicking the bucket. So basically, life has been an emotional roller coaster, cliches aside. I know my friends have been very supportive throughout this process so i'd like to thank all of those that have actually taken the time to talk me through this depression, and provide insight and kind, or motivationally cruel, words. I don't take things lightly, so thank all of you who've decided that i needed a kind word, or a kick in the ass, to get back up and moving again.

So i've decided that, despite being really down, i want to be up. No matter how confusing, or how, "That's what she said," that could've been, it just describes how frank i want my days to become. I am thoroughly disappointed with the choices that have been placed in front of me, and i have disappointed others as much as i have been disappointed in myself. No matter what, though, i will persevere and get to the moment that life decides that it is once again bearable and worth living. The last time i really felt that happy was when i was onstage at Rock Band Live, singing my heart out with my brother and the rest of [DTF!].

And sure enough, God decided to give me a sign. A cue, even. It really is time to move forward. Forward with life. Forward with forgiveness. Forward without thinking about your past. It's time to look forward. And I am going to try with the utmost sincerity to look forward, rather than look to my past to claim my future judgments. I am going to move on with life, because life has been moving on without me.

I need to catch up, guys.
There's no more water under the bridge.
There's no more sad songs to be sung.
There's no more feeling sorry for myself.
Now, there is closure.

2009 is making out to being a horrible year...

Yes indeedy. 2009 is already on my blacklist...
Jeez, i feel like jumping off of a bridge and it's only the first Monday of the year.

My iPhone was broken for three days and i had to go to AT&T and the Apple store for two days trying to get them to do something that wasn't incompetent. I finally got my iPhone replaced, which makes me feel better about life? Almost.

Then i spent all of yesterday trying to talk to my girlfriend, when i asked an unusual question:

"Do you still love me?"

She didn't answer until i got home, which i'm glad she did. And furthermore, i'm glad she had the honesty to tell me the truth. She said that she doesn't have the same feelings anymore because we never see each other and i rarely talk to her on the phone.

All of these obstructions are her fault, just to clarify.
She's been busy moving for the past...week? and Before that she was in Fresno for Hmong New Year. And Christmas. And Regular New Year.

And i tried very, very hard to let her know every single day that i love her from the bottom of my heart. If i could even just talk to her for 15 minutes, tops, just to tell her that i love her, then i would. Because it was worth it. And then two weeks later she finally decides that because we never see each other, or talk to each other, that it's ok to just change your mind about love.

"Love isn't a shoe that you can just try on to see if it fits. Because you can't just take it off whenever you please! A shoe can be lost in a storm if it's strong enough, and that's not love. Love is something that is rooted deeply in your heart and should never be let go."

But i suppose that doesn't mean anything to her, does it? I mean, sure we're still together, and i know that i still love her, but it's just NOT FUCKING FAIR.

Life always does this to me in some way, shape, or form. ALWAYS
Never (or at least i think never) have i been in love with someone that loved me back. I believe. I was always told that i was loved, and then later, discarded for lack of real love. Every girl i have loved truly has not loved me back. They'll tell me they care for me but they just can't get the nerve to love. So i have to make myself vulnerable so that they can feel better about themselves, but when i need the same security and understanding i get shunned and tossed aside? This is the basis of "Fuck Life," at least in my situations.


I'm just really tired of telling myself the old adage, "Tis' better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all." Is it really better to lose love then to never have to experience heartbreak? Or am i just being naive, as always? Fuck it. I don't want to be the whipping boy anymore. This is fucking stupid and i know it. If love wants to come back to me, then it needs to be fucking obvious and fucking true because i'm going into the anger part of my tirade and DAMNIT i think i deserve to be fucking on-tilt right now.

*Sigh* i told myself that i would be controlling my temper and maybe this is just a test. Two of my resolutions involved me to:

1. Control my temper
and
2. Be more patient

And frankly, this is as good a test as any right now God. So i WILL be patient, and i WILL be kind, and, for my sake, i will stay with Liz until she can find it in her heart to love me again. I'm just sad that i have to keep my guard down until she either loves me fully again or leaves me in the gutter...

This always happens to me.
Please don't let it happen again, God.
-Matthew.Abero

iPhone WTF?

So. It's almost 3 o'clock and i am still not sleeping yet. Wanna know my secret?

It's my iPhone fucking fritzing out. Yeah. Really.
I ask everyone else who has an iPhone 3G and they're fine and fucking dandy.

Great.

It's 2009, shouldn't i be able to have a phone that fucking makes calls and recieves them without being a damn BRICK!? Whatever.
The only reason i'm still up is because i'm attempting to save my phone by restoring it to factory settings, which of course, deletes everything on my phone. Awesome. I love losing everything.

So Mourn for my iPhone if it never returns from it's netherworld or oblivion from where it is exploring. May it rest in peace, or come back. Whichever comes first.

Matt's iPhone
2008-2009? (question mark only for the hope that it doesn't brick itself.)

-Matt.Abero

Wow. What the crap...

Holy jeez. The last time i blogged was 11/11/08. What the crap?
It's freaking 12/29/08 already. That's almost New Year's Time! Shit.
It's been more than a month since i last came upon something worth writing about.

That's fairly pathetic.
Well to all those who truly read my blogs, and wished that i wrote more:
Here it is. I'm fucking writing again. Happy? Good.
There's a little satire injected in every sarcastic word. Today, at least.

I wanted to play Magic today. Instead, i get my roast beef sandwich, with mashed potatoes and gravy tossed on me.

Let me explain. I'm in a club, or game i suppose, called the Sandwich Club.

Hehe. The first rule of the sandwich game/club is,

Don't talk about the sandwich game/club.

The second rule is. If you get "Sandwich Clubbed," you can't get mad.
unfortunately, i guess someone forgot that rule and after i "Sandwich Clubbed" their Roast Beef Sandwich, which was fucking amazing mind you, they tossed my tray on top of me.

Lucky for him, or me, or whoever else was in the vicinity, my temper ranges from complacent to downright maniacal, but i actually decided to let it go this time. Despite me wearing my new American Eagle shirt, i merely laughed it off. Yes, i was covered in mashed potatoes and gravy. The gravy actually was still very much hot and it ended up scalding my chest. However, the situation of me actually being covered in my own lunch was so hilarious that i ended up not being all too mad.

I'm just really upset because my girlfriend won't talk to me on the phone. I'm having a fair bit of trouble just keeping her on the phone with me, and i feel like she's avoiding me like the plague, because she's got other, more important things to do. But whatever. She can call me when she damn well wants to because i'm not going to fold after such a shitty day. She had better call me however, because i have been waiting damn near a WEEK to fucking talk to her, let alone see her. I'm fucking lonely and i'll admit it, Gosh DAMNIT. Sonuvagun. She's been saying all this shit like, "oh i forgot to call you," or "I'm busy, can i call you back?"

WELL I"VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO FRICKING CALL ME BACK SO CAN YOU DO IT, PLEASE!?

maybe i'm just talking out of my ass because i'm pissed off at the whole fucking world right now, but i'd very much like to talk to someone...or anyone.

One week already?

Left: I swear, the picture was NOT all about me. Despite me taking up 2/3rds of the frame. We were just sticking to the thirds rule of photography....o.O?

So We've been together for a week. Needless to say, it's been a freaking great week. November 4th was the first day of my awesome week. And seven days later, i'm still happy. That's not a very long while, true, but it's been the happiest seven days i've had in a very VERY long while, so i want to appreciate them for everything that they're worth. Let's start with the morning shall we...?

Today, i woke up and, by force of habit, i looked at the iPhone lying next to my face and tapped phone and touched "Bae!" to call Elizabeth. She answers sleepily and i finally look at the time, which displays 8:38, to the appeasement of Liz. She had woken up a few minutes earlier to her flashing alarm clock and i woke up to...my internal clock ticking? I have no idea. Anyways, i tell her that i'll get ready in a few hours and see her after class. She has a break from 11:45AM to 4:30PM. Yeah, fairly substantial break. So i spend the morning assuaging my uneventful morning by painting a Munny. It's still in the works so i won't describe it yet. But meh, i was trying to get to 11:45 with something to do. Despite it being a holiday, CRC decided to take their holiday yesterday which makes it not Veterans day on campus. Psshaw. However, Liz calls and tells me that her class at 1030 is canceled so i hot-step it on out of the house as soon as i was finished getting ready. And by getting ready i mean, eating, then playing Magic Online for an hour and a half, then taking a quick shower, then breaking for like two seconds, then getting gas and finally driving to CRC.

I get to CRC and we conversate with people until i decide that we should check out the dying star that is the failing Mervyn's near-ish CRC. The whole time driving i tell her that she looks pretty. Meanwhile, she is fussing with her hair because it is upsetting her that it is not the way she wants it to be. I still think she's freaking pretty. We do a little shopping in Mervyn's, i get a pair of Levi's and we talk about being hungry. She eggs me on to finish and just buy the jeans that i've been holding for twenty minutes. I ask her if she likes shopping and she says yes. *Shifty eyes* Lolz. So i eventually stop shopping like a girl and we get outta there. We see Janelle and her boyfriend on the way out and i intro Liz to Janelle and she tells me that she thinks Janelle is pretty. Then i inform her that her and i used to go out...Yeah that was totally the "not awkward" thing to say. STUPID. I then defuse the situation by reminding her that she's totally pretty and not insecure at all. ;3

Right: I totally plant one on her and she writhes in disgust because she realizes that the camera is online. Or maybe it's because i'm kissing her cheek. I don't know which one caused the scrunching of the face.

Meh. So we're in the car and i ask her whether she's been to Mikuni's before. Of course she has, you fool. Lolz. So i take her to Mikuni's and remind her while we're waiting for space that it's the 11th and, therefore, seven days since we first went official. She smiles, i smile, and we both smile.

Left: This is the random beeper that they give to you when you're waiting because it's totally inconvenient to just say that you have space so come over here so we can give it to you. Oh wait, they didn't even light up the beeper ANYWAYS because they DID yell out my name. Oh well...So much for customer consideration?

So yeah, we eventually get our seats and we're talking about how happy she makes me. She is seriously a super-duper-joy-causer. I'm not sure how gay that sounded but she does make me very, very joyful. We have a chef named Andrew when we sit at the bar. He's cheerily having a conversation with the guy next to us, who is, strangely, speaking in a different language. Perhaps Japanese? I have no clue. What i do know is that i didn't understand him. The waiter came and told us that we could order now, like i totally didn't already know that. So i order Liz and i a Peter 2 roll and a Train Wreck, which coincidentally is what she wanted. We talk about how fast this week has gone by and how our relationship feels like we've been together for a long time. There is a word for that, bae, and that word is Comfortable. :D

We get our food and have a grand old time with the sushi. She concedes to me that she likes my pick better (Go Peter 2!). It's funny watching her eat because the pieces are really big, perhaps too big for her mouth? Furthermore, it's even funnier because she is slightly inept at chopstick usage. ;3 And even more, we get Miso soup and it's too hot for her! Oh, POOR baby!

Left: Elizabeth, aka Bae, is having some trouble with her Miso soup. Seriously, she took like five minutes taking this first sip and i got to center the picture, make it my background, take it off my background, take another picture of the same scene, then make THAT my new wallpaper. That is serious babe.

She was seriously in some trouble when she tried to take a sip of the Miso. Like she looked like she was trying to figure out which way to take a sip because, as she confessed beforehand, she doesn't drink soup from the bowl, only with a spoon. So i suppose that it's fair that she feels awkward about going headfirst into a bowl of Miso. xD She even called me out when i poured soy sauce into mine. But it's ok, for i am a weird person with strange tastes. So midway through our meal, i start to go paparazzi on our plates of unfinished rolls. Here is the product of my mayhem:


Left:This is Lizzy's side of the Sushi bar. As you can see it is tidy and space is being taken up by the platter of Train Wreck. And of course my hand is rooming in with the Miso soup adjacent to the Platter of Train Wreck.






Right: And of course, this is my side of the Bar. Meh. Sloppy and unkempt. Random plates of soybeans and a platter of eaten Ebi tails. At least the smeared sauces look tantalizing, even after they've been partially eaten. The Miso soup is once again encroaching on the platter's space. Peter 2 Platter PARTY!





Left: This is Liz, once again taken due to her inability to go gung-ho on her Miso. She does a little giggle while i take the picture because i blew on it so now it's no longer hot due to my crazy Iceman powers. Take that, heat, I'm cool like Jack Frost.





So a lot of mayhem ensues and we drive back to CRC. I've got class at 215 however and i rush into class after she walks me to the auditorium. I get out at 3 because i just want to see her and we go to a barbecue at my friend, Boog,'s house. There are people playing NBA 2k9 and supposedly the Kings rock out against the Cavaliers in a nail biter. There's chicken and rice and a whole bunch of other meats, and even some vegan love because i spot a Gardenburger box. Empty too. So i regret to inform them that we just ate and are going back to class because Liz has a class at 430, which i then escort her to. I meet up with her after my 530 class, which gets out at 7; unfortunately she also has a class at 7, so i rush out of class to meet her. We have a little chat before i take her to her last class.

I tell her that she makes me ridiculously happy and i'm lucky to be with someone like her. Too bad that also sounds like a line to her and tells me about her past. I retort back with some, "Then i won't be like those guys then, will i?" I also state that we're going to be together for a really long time, and she says oh really? YES REALLY! I can really see myself with her for a very long time. She makes me happy, and she understands my needs and wants. She's an amazing, beautiful, woman whom i would be glad to spend many days with just chatting and walking, hand-in-hand, as the sun sets or rises or is just high in the air. I am very, very happy.

Happy one week bae!
-Matt.Abero

One of the Best Days in a while?

Election Day, November 4th, was a very great day for me.
Obama was elected with a landslide victory of 364 electoral votes to McCain's 162.
I got to eat sushi with Eevee.




I got to eat Tacos (Taco Tuesday FTW) with Eevee.






I got to ask Eevee out.











I got to go to class late, with the only consequence being that i had to sit front and center of the auditorium and i was taken photos of with a flash, then those pictures were cast across a screen in front of the class. I tried to take a picture of the picture but it was extremely dark in that auditorium. I looked like a creepy pedophile, and i had just kissed Eevee, so my lips had an awkward sheen that the professor pointed out, as well as the sheen coming from the oil on my nose. Thanks prof. On the bright side, i didn't stop smiling.

I got to spend a lot of time with Eevee that day, even skipping English class to just stay in the car with her and talk about the past and about life in general and what her favorite things were.
I got to have a tickle fight w/ Eevee. I won. She let me win.
I got to talk to John about life, crammed into the span of ten minutes (15 whatever.)
I got to breakdance that day with Exclusive. I love sessioning with my crew. They're my other other family.

So basically, i'm no longer single, Obama was elected president, and i'm excited for the change that is going to happen in my life. I'm no longer really looking to the past for what i need to do anymore. Now i can just let things happen...spontaneously.
Like this.

Halloween is FreeCandyDay

My iPhone is dead, so i'm going to post my thoughts on Halloween, but without pictures, unfortunately.

I spent the day working from 7-3:30pm. I was Dave, from the Office. Jim was Dave for Halloween. Enough said.

I left promptly at 3:30 because i was excited to go trick or treating. There were actually a lot of festive state workers in the building. There was a Druid lady in the elevator as i went to go get a donut. There was a ballerina on the 10th floor. And of course, I was the only dressed up one on my floor. Everyone else on my floor was a disgruntled state worker. Fairly good costumes, i think.

I left the building and saw no other people dressed up. Just some kids with their parents who had their costumes on already, waiting for the nighttime so they could celebrate Free Candy Day.

I saw a guy riding his bike with Red Spiky hair and piercings. I guess it's totally rad when you're 20, but fucking pathetic when you're 33.

I get home and my brother is not in the mood to go receive free candy. I tell him its a Celebration of Free Candy! How can you NOT be in the mood?

I eventually talk him into it after thrashing him in some heads-up Poker. Fair enough. He's 11. I'm old.

I go upstairs and talk to Liz about plans for Halloween night. We're going to take the kids trick-or-treating around 6 or 7ish. We text for a while then Joseph says that he doesn't have a costume. OH SNAP.

I rummage around his room looking for some hope of awkward clothing choices in order to find a costume. I find a small white T shirt and a suit jacket. I guess he's going to be Michael Jackson (?).

We meet up with Elizabeth and do some crazy Trick-or-treating with her siblings/cousins and it rains on us semi-frequently. But i guess that doesn't stop people from wanting their Free Candy. The only thing that did prevent us from getting candy was...the houses running out of candy by 8:30ish. Meh.

At least i got to spend time with Liz and her family. And Joseph. Overall, a pretty hectic night, but well worth the effort spent. Free candy fills my heart. And so does Liz. ;D

Speaking of Liz, she's the light of my life right now. I'm happy to have her and i can't wait until she's really mine. I haven't been this happy in a while. Kind of reminds me of "Stuttering" by Ben's Brother. Look that up when you get the opportunity. Imeem.com works wonders.

;D
Keep Smiling,
Matt.Abero