2009 is making out to being a horrible year...

Yes indeedy. 2009 is already on my blacklist...
Jeez, i feel like jumping off of a bridge and it's only the first Monday of the year.

My iPhone was broken for three days and i had to go to AT&T and the Apple store for two days trying to get them to do something that wasn't incompetent. I finally got my iPhone replaced, which makes me feel better about life? Almost.

Then i spent all of yesterday trying to talk to my girlfriend, when i asked an unusual question:

"Do you still love me?"

She didn't answer until i got home, which i'm glad she did. And furthermore, i'm glad she had the honesty to tell me the truth. She said that she doesn't have the same feelings anymore because we never see each other and i rarely talk to her on the phone.

All of these obstructions are her fault, just to clarify.
She's been busy moving for the past...week? and Before that she was in Fresno for Hmong New Year. And Christmas. And Regular New Year.

And i tried very, very hard to let her know every single day that i love her from the bottom of my heart. If i could even just talk to her for 15 minutes, tops, just to tell her that i love her, then i would. Because it was worth it. And then two weeks later she finally decides that because we never see each other, or talk to each other, that it's ok to just change your mind about love.

"Love isn't a shoe that you can just try on to see if it fits. Because you can't just take it off whenever you please! A shoe can be lost in a storm if it's strong enough, and that's not love. Love is something that is rooted deeply in your heart and should never be let go."

But i suppose that doesn't mean anything to her, does it? I mean, sure we're still together, and i know that i still love her, but it's just NOT FUCKING FAIR.

Life always does this to me in some way, shape, or form. ALWAYS
Never (or at least i think never) have i been in love with someone that loved me back. I believe. I was always told that i was loved, and then later, discarded for lack of real love. Every girl i have loved truly has not loved me back. They'll tell me they care for me but they just can't get the nerve to love. So i have to make myself vulnerable so that they can feel better about themselves, but when i need the same security and understanding i get shunned and tossed aside? This is the basis of "Fuck Life," at least in my situations.


I'm just really tired of telling myself the old adage, "Tis' better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all." Is it really better to lose love then to never have to experience heartbreak? Or am i just being naive, as always? Fuck it. I don't want to be the whipping boy anymore. This is fucking stupid and i know it. If love wants to come back to me, then it needs to be fucking obvious and fucking true because i'm going into the anger part of my tirade and DAMNIT i think i deserve to be fucking on-tilt right now.

*Sigh* i told myself that i would be controlling my temper and maybe this is just a test. Two of my resolutions involved me to:

1. Control my temper
and
2. Be more patient

And frankly, this is as good a test as any right now God. So i WILL be patient, and i WILL be kind, and, for my sake, i will stay with Liz until she can find it in her heart to love me again. I'm just sad that i have to keep my guard down until she either loves me fully again or leaves me in the gutter...

This always happens to me.
Please don't let it happen again, God.
-Matthew.Abero